monday will most likely be the day that i found out if i'm laid off. i'm starting to see it as something that might be good for me, granted i can find a job soon enough. i enjoy my job but it might be good to do something that will allow me to actually work with kids or families. my plan right now is to try out being a social worker. i suppose i'll just have to wait and see.

i'm thankful for being a resilient human being because without it i would be completely broken right now.

fact #1: i don't like it when guys actually show interest back.

fact #2: that's ok, because i actually like being single.

fact #3: i'm doing really well for the first time in my life, and whaddya know, i did it all by myself!

night.

the (working) opening paragraph to my admission statement

every morning i check our monthly Excel calendar for the names that mean something to me that day. i grab my top secret, only employees get these, work keys and walk from my cozy front office space into the sometimes bustling foyer, and finally into the chart rooms. these charts hold some of the saddest stories i've ever read and these stories are the reason why i want to pursue a masters degree in social work. 

these stories are lives, children's lives, that have been severely put on hold. at this point in time, i work for the utilization review department at an inpatient psychiatric hospital for children. i've been doing this since march of 2009 and enjoy it, but i'm lacking the ability and credentials to actively help these kids. sure, i do medicaid reviews daily to get their hospital stay paid for, and i realize that this is extremely important on numerous levels, but it's not enough for me. they key here is that every morning when i check that fancy Excel calendar for those names, they mean something to me for much longer than that day. 

that's all i could get out tonight. thoughts? 

It's been raining for the past few days and I've officially gone into homebody phase. More so, the more 'adult' portion of my life. I kicked off Friday evening with the bi-weekly 'Payday Friday at the Mont' with my co-workers. This is something that is seemingly turning into a tradition for us and seems to grow in numbers every time it occurs. I'm so glad that I enjoy spending time with my co-workers and consider them my friends as well. There's a wide variety of people that come, ranging in ages, and all fun to boot. 

Mont night usually ends at said place, but this time it was extended to Oktoberfest in Choctaw, OK. I wasn't expecting much, which one would know if you've ever lived around here. Choctaw isn't exactly a town someone dreams of spending their Friday night. When we arrived I was proven wrong and looking back, realize that it was due to the people I was with. Isn't that true about the majority of life? It's something I've come to realize after living several places in my short 27 years. It's why I'm okay with living in Norman again and plan on staying here. Even after visiting my friends in Seattle, a place I lived and loved, I still have no desire to move back there. Hello grown-up revelation!

I made a decision a few weeks back that I would only go out one night per weekend and thus far have done well at keeping this promise to myself. I've started saving, for what I'm not sure yet, but I know that when I need the extra money it will be there. It might be for a down payment on a house next year, or nice furniture to fill that house, or who knows what else. Right now, I've decided that the money I'm saving from not going out will (and has been) go into what I really enjoy and that's painting. There is a large art show coming up called Momentum Tulsa and I haven't yet decided if I'm going to submit pieces for it, but have been working diligently with the thought in mind that I will. It really boils down to me not being too lazy to actually drive up to Tulsa and physically submit the work. I have one almost finished now that I absolutely love. I say this, but this is how it's been with the past few paintings I've produced. I think it's a good sign. I'm not sure if that good sign is that I really am growing as an artist or just as a person. Hopefully both. Regardless, the past few weeks have left me feeling more like my age and I'm accepting this new phase well. Until next time...

i've been having yet another ongoing battle with fleas on my cat. this happened last summer as well. i noticed that jenny, my cat (no, she is not named after my cousin. she was already named when i got her!), has been scratching non-stop and i felt bad for her. i decided i would do the unthinkable...i gave her a flea bath. 

i got in my car and drove straight to petsmart. i bought the most expensive kind of flea shampoo they had and made sure it killed the eggs as well as adult fleas. when i got home i had to coax her into the bathroom. i think she knew what was up the minute i closed the door and started running the bath water. she was surprisingly calm while i put the shampoo on her, but not so calm when we had to sit for 5 minutes while it soaked in and killed those little bastards. she began to make noises. i say noises because it almost sounded like she was howling. i felt bad but for some reason was laughing uncontrollably. the noises she made sounded like i was trying to kill her! 

regardless, we finished the bath and it took forever to get the soap out of her fur. next week i'm going to bomb the house again while traci's out of town and do one more bath. hopefully that will solve it all. for now, i have a really pissed off, wet cat moping around my house!

i was my mom's 1st child. she had me when she was 19 years old. i'm not sure when she became pregnant again and not quite sure how many times. it's not really something i bring up because i'm sure she doesn't enjoy talking about. my mom had miscarriages after me. 

i come from a large family. i won't take the time to count them all, but i have 30+ 1st cousins. just 1st cousins! there was never a lack of children to play with but the one who was always there was my cousin jenny. she is a year older than me and has been my fake sister for the entirety of my life. i haven't really lived in my hometown since i graduated from high school almost 10 years ago and have lived some far distances at some points in time. luckily right now, i live about 2.5 hours away and can visit much more. 

i was living in richmond, va when ella was born. ella is jenny's daughter, her 2nd child. the 1st time come around is cayden, her son. i came home for my dad's birthday in september and met her for the 1st time. she was colicky and cried almost constantly, but she was still adorable. i moved back to oklahoma around thanksgiving and got to spend much more time with everyone since i was staying at my parents house. i still remember going over to jenny's for christmas eve and everyone was in awe of how cute ella was. she liked to put on a show for the crowds. they found out ella was sick just a few days later and it just got worse from then on. ella passed away from a rare genetic disease called mitochondrial DNA depletion on may 19 of this year. 

august 21st would have been her 1st birthday, so i will be joining my family to honor her memory. 

you can read ella's story at: http://jenmagee.blogspot.com/